When not shopping means more than just not shopping

I've just been away with the Eclectica clan and we went to the New Forest where there were lots and lots of horses, donkeys and ponies. Unfortunately there are lots of other photos of four-legged creatures and a two-legged toddler but no fatshion pics of me as I only managed to stay clean and tidy for about 60 seconds after getting dressed in the morning due to toddler, dogs or general camping issues. Had a lovely time though!

Since I can't really regale you with pictures of me looking lovely while strolling through the woods I wanted to share why I am determined to Wear My Wardrobe and not buy anymore new clothes for a while (probably October).

Here are the reasons in no particular order:

- I have no money. Well, more correctly I should spend our money on things other than clothes for myself given that I do have quite a sufficiency of them and there are better things to be spending it on (like the house!).

- I have enough clothes. I have more jeans than every before in my life and enough tops so that I really don't need to do laundry for weeks if I actually wore all my clothes

- My current clothes cover my needs fashion wise and practical wise for the next few months. And I'm not necessarily giving up buying accessories.

- If I buy anything it should be some black flat knee high boots because this is what I really need for autumn and winter and will need to spend some decent money on.

- because I have a terrible habit of buying cheap clothes rather than buying quality pieces less often.

- Because I'm afraid I can't stop buying clothes and that there is something deeply emotional about this buying.

I think the others are self-explanatory but the last one is the BIG issue for me. I do love shopping, I like the thrill of buying something new (bag, shoes, something for my daughter, loo paper - you get the idea).   I think this little frisson from purchasing something new is incredibly common and what drives our economy.

We all like the novelty of a new toy. Makes our lives more exciting and the process of seeking out and hunting down our new find is part of the thrill. That's all and good and I'm not going to stop buying loo paper (or indeed the duvet cover, fancy dress costume and other various toddler related things I have to find this week).

But the big psychological issue for me is around buying clothes I think. I have mentioned previously that I used to feel that I never had the right thing to wear and struggled to find clothes that I both liked and fitted. This is no longer a problem but I still have that kid in a candy store thing where I love so many things and want to buy them (Asos you are not helping!). 

If this was it alone I would probably not worry too much and keep buying (finances allowing) but I know that one of my big big drivers for buying new clothes is this deep seated unconscious feeling that I am not good enough and this new top or dress or trousers will some how transform me into being 'ok' and acceptable and fashionable and in with the in crowd and all that other crap that advertisers spout to us. I think I have bought that message hook line and sinker.

It's even more than that really, I think that I have an internal low level of self confidence that doesn't often manifest itself but does when it comes to clothes and shopping. And here is the weird thing - I get down about my clothes, rather than my weight and I only do so when shopping. Not when I'm away from the online shops or the high street. I can spend time browsing the online retailers and be convinced that it is only by luck that I have managed to survive life without owning a sequined blazer and that I will not be a full and healthy member of society unless I buy said blazer. But if I close the browser and walk away and back into my life of dogs, family, work and other interests then I forget that I need the blazer and everything gets back into perspective.

New clothes feel like they will make me a better person and I have little Rocky montages in my head with me wearing the new top - out laughing with friends flicking my hair back from my face, riding in a sports car  with my new top transforming my life! Of course it's all bollocks. A new dress won't transform my life but some part of me (the hidden part of me that doesn't think she is good enough and looking for a way to be good enough) thinks it will.

And so I need to stop feeding the fire and stop seeking this kind of fulfillment. 

Reading this back I am aware it sounds all very deep and all a bit fucked up. But to summarise: I need to prove to myself that I'm not addicted to the feeling that buying new clothes brings me and the only way of doing that is to stop shopping. For a bit. 

And when I come back from the clothes shopping cold-turkey maybe I will start buying less but better. There's a hope.

Until then I'm going to concentrate on learning about what I love about my look (and I think I have one) and my existing clothes. I might also actually have to learn to combine things in new ways - shock horror!

Keep cool till after school!

Taking up the Challenge

The Marvellous Monkey has set herself a challenge and I have decided to take it up as well... it goes like this: Don't buy new clothes but wear the ones you have already have and feature them on the blog. Now, I can't promise EVERYTHING I wear will get a photo and a feature but it will get worn. And nothing new will get bought.


For some strange reason I am finding the idea of not looking for or buying new clothes liberating. To start this off though I went shopping! Bought black loafers and brown loafers and some very cool jewellery.

This is what I wore shopping. Simply Be jeans, Next top (with strapless bra as it has the tiniest straps in weird places) and New Look cardi. Random arm in photo belongs to Little Miss Eclectica :)

Please excuse squinty eyes and double chin. Lovely shot by husband!

Am thinking that I would like to tackle some of the widely held beliefs about fat people. I suppose the ones that come to mind is that we are all stupid, lazy, unhealthy, unhappy, single, infertile, bad parents and unloved. That might cover a few blog posts but are there any others that might be interesting to address?

The unloved, infertile and bad parent assumptions amuse me I have to say.

So apparently we are unloved and unattractive and therefore never date, get down and dirty or have relationships. But if that is the case then why would we ever get the chance to then be told that we are most likely infertile because of our huge unhealthy weight?

Which then poses the question that if we are all so infertile because we are fat, then how can we be bad parents who are exposing our children to the evils of chips and sugar and growing our own fat child army?

It is truely a mystery to me. Because I think really the reality is that we are loved and fancied and fall in love and fall out of love and fall in love with the wrong people and not with the right people. Just like thin people. And we get married or find life partners just like thin people. And some of us want and go on to have children and some of us find it harder to do that - just in fact like thin people.

And some of those children only want to eat crisps and coke and some would rather eat carrots and bananas, just like the children of thin people. Only thing is that when something goes 'wrong' in our lives thin people nod knowingly to themselves and think it is down to our weight. And that is bollocks.

Do one thing for me today: look at your reflection and think I ROCK!

H&M stands for Hit & Miss

So I was resolved to not buy any more clothes and join Monkey on her challenge. But then I got my top from the Next sale and it's not a goer. Love the fabric, not so keen on the shape so back it goes. And then H&M sent me their new catalogue and I have decided to take that as a sign from the shopping gods. So, I will start the challenge AFTER an order to H&M.

I love H&M and I hate H&M often during the same online shopping trip. They have some Hits and quite a few Misses. Let's start with the misses.

Their catalogue had 157 pages dedicated to women's fashion. That's a lot of clothes. Guess how many pages detailed their BiB plus size range? 5. FIVE. FIVE.

And guess how many of those items I would actually buy? None. And guess how many actually looked like they were new for this season? About one, a tunic dress. Which is actually ok but a bit short for me.

Their BiB range is tiny and the sizing strange to say the least. The tops seem either to be too tight over the boob area or gigantic. As for their trousers, well I'm normally a 24-26 but I can't get their 28s to fit me.


Going to buy the BiB range instore is a nightmare (at least for me as I don't live in London). I spent one afternoon trudging from one Oxford St H&M store to another to find at last a tiny corner of a basement devoted to about 4 items. I did buy one, and it is nice. But I have never seen it on the website!

So given that their Bib range is so terrible why do I think they have some hits and why are they even one of my fav retailers? Because of two things. Firstly their accessories - namely their scarfs. I love scarfs and will do a post about all the scarfs I have collected over the years. H&M do a good range, in great colours and styles. And they are cheap.

Secondly because of this wonderful thing you can find online when you shop with them - size XL. Never found in stores but a lot of their clothes come in this XL 22-24 sizing. And it fits my size 26 boobs. Hurrah!

Some of my favorites from the latest catalogue

Top - from H&M

http://www.hm.com/gb/s/016I47

Soft jersey wrapover top that is loose-fitting with a seam below the bust. Length 26"/66 cm in size 14-16.

www.hm.com

Love the pretty spots and nice shape.

And this one below is winging its way to me as we speak. It's not that exciting but I like the shape and in black it's a good top for wearing cropped chinos and black sandals.

Top - from H&M

http://www.hm.com/gb/s/016I4A

Loose-fitting soft jersey top with a draped neckline. Length 25½"/65 cm in size 14-16.

www.hm.com

And last but not least this one is joining its little friend on the long journey to the Eclectica household. I've ordered the powder pink one.

Top - from H&M

http://www.hm.com/gb/s/013IVL

Oversized top with smocking centre front. Length 27"/69 cm in size 14-16.

www.hm.com

Oh and both tops are £8 each. Bargain.

So are any of you H&M fans?

Coming out

I have always wanted to start a blog but for a long time been unsure about what to blog about. Being a Mummy is nice, but I only have one child so might run out of material pretty quickly. Being a kiwi in the UK has been covered by other wonderful expats so that was a no go. Reading other fat fashion blogs, and then fat acceptance blogs inspired me to talk about what is really one of the biggest aspects of my life and gave me a focus for my ramblings.

But I've slightly struggled in telling other people what I've been blogging about. I didn't even tell my husband for a while. He has a blog too. A very technical and boring work related blog. And....well this is probably a whole another post so I'll leave it for now. It's about partners, weight and expectations.

As for friends and work colleagues - well I just haven't come out yet as a fat blogger.

Let's face it no one is going to be shocked when I come out as fat. I'm not expecting any responses like

"Oh My God, you're fat? How long have you been fat for? How old were you when you found? I mean sure I knew you liked chocolate and wore big trousers but I never guessed you were fat!!!"

It won't be a surprise. To be honest I think the fashion element of being a fat fashion(ish) blogger is the harder bit for me to admit because I don't feeeeellllll that fashionable. I'm not Anna Wintour (thank god). I wear clothes - which is a good thing- but after years of feeling like I could never find the right things to wear in my size I struggle with the idea that maybe I have finally got 'there' - the point where I look the way I want to and wear clothes that express who I am as opposed to what I could find to fit my arse.

But now I'm going to proudly say I'm Fat, I Blog and I even have photos and everything! Sometimes. Working on it ;)

Random thoughts and things

I have been spending rather a lot of time reading fat blogs. Fat acceptance blogs, fat fashion blogs, fat positive blogs and even the odd blog written by not accepting fat people. Most if not all are by women and all are thought provoking.

They make me challenge the assumptions I make about others and about myself. They also cause me to challenge some stereotypes that I hold about other fat people, although I'm fat myself. They are also leading me to engage with research and data about obesity that I haven't seen before. I suppose I had just assumed that the news stories about the 'Obesity Epidemic' were for the most part true, but just overegged slightly for shock value.

I've also been pleased to find that my gut instinct may be correct: that living fat may be better for you than repeat dieting. The research is still not comprehensive but some studies have been compelling in terms of insulin resistence. Have a look at this paper for some interesting research and findings.

But I'm not sure I am fully on board with some of the tenets of fat acceptance. I accept that I am fat and that it doesn't make me a bad person. I'm not willing though to claim that my fatness is due to factors outside my control or responsibility. There seems to be some within the FA movement that strongly believe that being fat is largely due to reasons other than what we eat or do. I am willing to believe that weight is determined in some part by genetic traits, but not solely. I think learnt eating behaviours have a strong impact. So does using food as an emotional crutch. But so does a love of food. YUMMMM FOOD

I suppose what I'm saying is that I am willing to embrace that idea that I am fat because of my actions and THAT'S OK. I'm not seeking absolution.

I also think that if you are fat accepting then you should be willing to engage with health professionals about your weight and consider their opinions objectively. My weight is not a scary number that I attempt to hide from myself or other people. I don't need scales that say gorgeous instead of a number. I don't want a measuring tape that tells me that I'm great rather than my waist size. I need to know my waist size otherwise how am I going to buy trousers that fit?

To be fat accepting also means being able to look at photos of yourself without cringing and feeling shame. I've done that alot in the past. Now I try to look at myself and think yup, I'm fat ....and? This is almost the hardest bit really. So often it is easier to deal with your weight and size theorically. In my head I have always been smaller than I really am and the reality can be a shock. But I don't think that you can truly be ok with yourself if you are not willing to reality embrace your body's true shape. One of the most inspiring thing about fat fashion blogs is seeing other fat women who are my shape and size and proudly showing photos of themselves. It's brilliant. Completely and utterly brilliant.

To be fat accepting means talking about the realities of being fat with non fat people and treating these realities as a valid and normal way of life. If you buy your clothes from Evans then say it. Don't think that if you don't mention that you have to buy from plus sized stores then friends and work colleagues won't notice that you don't fit into Topshop. 

Not mentioning you're fat doesn't mean that they won't notice (took me a while to realise that one - kept hoping if I didn't talk about it people wouldn't see the size of my arse). If you are afraid the chair won't hold your weight then ask for a better chair or sit somewhere else. I once totalled a deck chair. Was it my weight? Maybe not but I have never forgotten it and now have a fear of folding chairs. Luckily I found one that takes up to 150 kgs. Woohoo!

Well endless and senseless rant over. Comments please!

PS I don't actually know any fat people in 'real life' so don't get to talk about these things. Well, one of my neighbours is but I made a negative comment about dieting (to sound her out a little) and she didn't say anything. I may have freaked her out.

Sorry Asos...

Well I had ordered a couple of things from the Asos sale. A dress I had loved since it appeared on the website and a top that I added to my basket as it looked different from anything that I already own and was only 8 pounds. Oh I do love a bargain.

You will be seeing photos of the top some point soon as although it is sleeveless (which I normally avoid like the plague) it's rather cool. Nice pattern and with cleavage options :) Will also go with my wide leg pants from Very that I'm struggling to find anything to wear with that I like.

The dress however was a no go as while it looks lovely on the model on me it looked like an elasticated rubbish bag. Most disappointing thing I've had from them but to be fair it was due to me not being realistic about how my body shape would suit a dress in that style.

It also had to compete against the dress I got BNWT from Ebay. It's by Next, it's also sleeveless but has ruffles on the hem. Has black in the fabric so can wear black leggings with it and am already planning my winter boot, tights and long cardi combination with it. Note lack of legs in pic. Was experimenting with putting camera on bookcase to take photos. Which is why you get lots of messy spare bedroom (it's the library, my dressing room and excess toy room) and no legs.

Go Next! 7.50 pounds!!! Cardi an old one by Monsoon. Fake Pearls Monsoon mega sale and leggings not seen by Primark.

Have a lovely week!!!

Say what?

Somehow, and I blame myself really, I am giving a workshop tomorrow to about 40 women about Living the Life they Imagined and reaching their goals.

Do you think if I said my goal was to get to a size 10  by next month they would laugh, look desperately uncomfortable or simply leave as I obviously have no idea how to reach my goals let alone help them reach theirs???

Well I won't be saying that but I do want to say somewhere - esp if there are fat women in the audience, or even just those who FEEL like their feeling about their bodies are holding them back - DO IT NOW. Don't wait to start making your dreams come true until you can fit back into your old jeans or reach some random target weight. Too often we put unnecessary restrictions on when we will allow ourselves to look for happiness, or even be happy.

So given that I am fat and going to be standing up in front of a large group of people you may think I'm nervous about being the rather large centre of attention. Actually I'm not. I am worried they will think the workshop a waste of their time and not useful but not really about what they will think of what I look like. They will probably think 'she's fat. Nice dress though' or even perhaps 'I wish I had the confidence to stand up there if I looked like her. I'm much smaller but so much more scared...'

If through my words or actions I can encourage one person to stop thinking about why their weight is holding them back and  start thinking about following their passions I will be happy!

Fat acceptance and me

I'm writing this I suppose because I have been reading a number of fat acceptance websites and blogs and been surprised that my experience of being fat doesn't seem to tally with the lives that other fat women have lead. Especially in regards to abuse, discrimination and comments from strangers.

Don't get me wrong, I'm fat. Size 26 and although my weight have dipped down to a size 18-20 at some (short periods) time. That's still large enough to be considered obese and I know others who have been hassled about their weight at that size.

So reading these other blogs has made me think about two things. Firstly have I just not noticed the abuse and discrimination? Maybe some of the men I fancied didn't fancy me because of my weight, but at the time who can tell why someone doesn't like you back? I do remember one time that a friend and I were walking home late one night from the pub. She was fat too (I used to spend time wondering if she was fatter than me and hoping like hell she was). Anyway a guy walked past and said 'you should go see a dietitian'. Well, it was a university town so maybe the fat abuse is a little more high brow there?

My most negative memories about being fat are to do with two things. The second I'll mention later but the first was clothing. I never felt like I had the right things to wear or garments that fitted or suited me. I didn't have any choice about what I could buy and used to wear men's jeans as they were the only thing that fitted. There was a really bad legging phase as they were the only thing that fit and I remember one night that I couldn't go out to the pub as my only going out clothes were dirty (and being so ashamed that I couldn't find any clothes that fitted me). That is what living in NZ and being fat was like in the 90's for someone who didn't live in either Auckland or have masses of cash.

Ok, so the other thing that I have really negative memories about is also the thing that the fat acceptance blogs brought into focus for me. I don't remember anyone abusing me, demeaning me or making me feel awful about my weight except for my mother. For what ever reason (and she had plenty I know - all to do with her issues about her weight) she spent my entire life fucking up my approach to food, my body and my self esteem.

I went through fat acceptance when I went to a counsellor at the age of 19 and burst into tears asking whether it was ok to feel good about myself, despite the fact I was fat. I had a partner who loved me who assured me it was, but he was biased I thought.

I went through fat acceptance when I stopped talking to my parents for 6 months because they ignored my requests that all conversations stopping starting with how awful I was for being fat, and how I should diet and I was so pretty and didn't I know no one would ever love me and I would never be worth anything and did I know that fat people smell and no one likes fat woman cleavage... you get the general idea.

I'd go through that every time I saw them (unless i had dieted) until I was finally forgiven and had admitted the error of my ways and promised to diet and be a better person and daughter. Then my mother would break out the food, lots of food, cream cake, booze things like that.

And the two things she always said that made it all so worse. I'm only saying this because I love you. And I'm the only one who will tell you the truth.

So when my mother died two weeks after the birth of my daughter one of my first emotions was relief. Because although i did love her my feelings about her were so so tainted by how crushed I felt about myself when I was around her. I was glad that I wouldn't have that fucking conversation every again and I could just get on with life being ME.

So that is why for me the whole societal fat acceptance thing isn't such a big deal for me because I went through the worse from the start and made it through.

Tragedy!

I ordered a Lovedrobe dress from and ebay store (had admired it when it was online at style369 but too cheap to buy it full price). Anyway it arrived today. Floral, long tunic. Lovely. Wonderful. DAMAGED.

Big bloody rip down one seam. Have emailed the seller but have horrible feeling they don't have any more in stock in my size. SOB.

Ok ok so compared to the trouble of other's this isn't a big deal but really decidedly miffed. Wonder if I can bargain down the price and fix it myself???